سعادة - happiness

Do you ever have those days where you just sit and think about what has gone wrong in your life? I woke up to rain today and just decided I would stay in bed and do whatever I needed to figure out what is going on in my life.

I might have pushed the only person I love away, and I don't know what to do. I keep trying to reel him back in but I feel like I went too far this time. I can be a very selfish person when I want to, and I want me to have the best things. Lately, his life has been looking a lot more eventful than mine and I guess that has turned me into a horrible slimy green jealous monster. Also mixed with the incredibly sad feeling that I can't be there with him to experience any of his happy occasions. Anyway, that's definitely not an excuse for how I've been acting towards him. So, I blamed him for "having an amazing time" without any real reason to be angry at him for that... I mean, what kind of person has an argument towards someone who is having an amazing time. So his reply was the truth I guess, and I haven't been able to sleep since. I'm too stubborn to forgive him for the past, about something that can't be undone, and I hate myself for it.
This is a bit of a rant, but I'm not having the best time without him. See, we live on opposite sides of the world, and it's been like this for a little over 7 months. It's horrible. I can't even describe how draining it is knowing that I won't see him for another 27 days (who's counting...).

“Be happy with what you have and are, be generous with both, and you won’t have to hunt for happiness.”

—	William E. Gladstone

Anyway, I just wanted to give a little advice from what I've learnt from this relationship. Always, always be happy for the ones you love. If you truly love them, their happiness means the world to you, no matter how shitty you're feeling at the time, it'll only make you feel worse if you act sour about it. Trust me, it's a horrible feeling to regret something you could have so easily avoided. If you feel yourself getting jealous of someone, take a step back and look at what you're being jealous of. In my case, I'm jealous of the love of my life having a great time, spending time with his family, and having an amazing time. And I can see how completely insane that is. Of course, I want him to be happy, when he is happy, I am happy.

I hope that you don't think I'm completely crazy, long-distance can drive you a little loopy at times.

Olivia xx